Sunday Matters: Losing My Dad

Sunday Matters

Right Now:

Taking a break from my normal Sunday Matters template to talk about my dad a little. For years, he’s been plagued by diabetes related conditions (blindness, kidney failure, kidney transplants x 2,  staph infections, etc.) and this past week, he gave in to them and passed away.

We’ve not had a typical father/daughter relationship but there were moments, very specific moments where I felt a connection and those moments are what I am trying to focus on now. One memory I have is the two of us spending the entire day at the Central Library in Los Angeles. My love of reading definitely started from those visits. I was only 4 years old and he’d sit me at a table with a stack of books and we’d sit there all day reading. Moments like that were rare but they are what I remember.

I feel oddly disconnected but at the same time very much in the center of it. I just feel so strange. I have never lost someone so close to me.

There are things that need to be addressed as far as my mom and sister are concerned. Of which, I have very little control over. The situation is very dire and although I have no trouble making decisions on most days, the decisions needed to made here leave me completely overwhelmed. Dysfunctional families are fun to read about, but not much fun to be a part of. To complicate matters, they don’t seem to want my help.

I just need a moment to think about it all.

This Week:

This week will be spent trying to figure stuff out. In the mean time, I am still on social media as a form of distraction. I am still reading because if I stop I feel as if I won’t be able to function. I’ll still be blog hopping and chatting away with all of you because that’s how I deal with things.

Grateful for:

Supportive friends and family.

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75 thoughts on “Sunday Matters: Losing My Dad”

  1. It’s very hard to lose a parent. It takes time to recover and to sort things out, both materially and mentally. Thank god for books and friends, and bloggers. Hang in there. I am sure things will come out on top eventually.

  2. I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope your father has moved on to a better place and hope that you can sort out the things that need to be sorted out. I can very easily understand your not able to make decisions in this matter – family has always been the one place where decision-making has not been easy, especially when it comes to our own parents and siblings. Sending you lots of thoughts, prayers, and wishes. ((((((HUGS)))))) Hang in there!

  3. I haven’t lost a parent, but I’ve come very close to losing my dad on several occasions to cancer among other things. I know how hard it must be for you given the strained relationship you had with him, but I hope the distraction of social media can help you. I’m hear if you ever need to chat. Things will get sorted out…

    1. Thanks. Social media is a good distraction but gosh, my eyes. I think I’ve burned my retinas over the past few days.

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  4. So sorry Tina I lost my father in my early 30s my mother was never really there for me &now we have no relationship very freeing.My life my real life a loving marriage &a very close relationship with my son.i changed the script would not allow the poison to continue.Looking at the pictures of you &your family I think you did the same,Around of applause to us.

    1. That is exactly what I did, but that is also the reason for the divide between myself and my mom and sister. It’s hard too, when some members of the family can’t understand or don’t know all the details. I’ve given up trying to prove anything, which as you said, can be freeing.

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  5. Hi Ti. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this and have so much to deal with right now. Family stuff is so difficult sometimes and everyone has it to varying degrees I am convinced. The library memory of your Dad is very sweet. Definitely the ones to hang on to as you try to let the rest go. Thinking about you and hope things get easier. Sending you a hug!

    1. Thank you. It’s hard for the obvious reasons but I really have nothing of his to remember him by. Very few photos. He didn’t believe in them. When someone is not physically around you tend to look for the other stuff or to God and religion but he wasn’t religious either so I feel like I have very little to hold onto.

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  6. I know you have had a tough week. Just know that I am here for you and if you need to rant or bounce around ideas or whatever, let it rip. Better days are coming. Until then, hug the dog.

    1. The Otter Pup has been extremely sweet. She’s not sure what is going on. She probably thinks I lost my job. But no, she’s been sleeping on me whenever possible. Today I am at work and I am sure she’s glad. I messed up her nap routine.

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  7. I have lost both my parents and my only sibling. I think regardless of circumstances the loss of family is still a loss and there is no correct way to mourn or process it. My sympathies and prayers to you

    1. Thank you, Diana. That is sort of my issue right now. My mourning process involves a ton of sleep but you can only sleep so much so I dragged myself to work today and now I am wondering why I did that. I don’t have anything going on tonight though so I am going to hit the sack with book in hand as soon as kids and hub are fed.

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  8. Ti. I’m so desperately sorry for your loss. I know how it is and it’s so hard. On Wednesday, it’s exactly one year since I lost my Dad. I’s been looking after him for a decade. I still miss him every day.

  9. Oh, I’m so sorry, Ti. A mom or dad is still a mom or dad, regardless of the status of the relationship with them. I was estranged from my mother for 25 years and we were just working our relationship the last few years before she died. It still hit me hard.

    You will feel disoriented for a while: your dad was a foundation of your life, always somewhere in it from the moment of your conception. Do focus on the memories, and ponder what a marvelous gift he gave you in the love of reading.

    Hang in and take care of yourself – really.

  10. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, Ti, and will be keeping you in my prayers. There is so much in your blog to which I can relate…you’re not alone. Sending hugs. ❤

  11. I’m sorry for your loss. I understand what you mean about it being fun to read about dysfunctional families, but not to be a part of one. I’m reminded of one of my many favorite lines from Gilmore Girls: Luke: “There’s nothing like a wedding to screw up a family.” Lorelai: “Well in my case, there’s nothing like a family to screw up a family.” One of the reasons I loved that show so much was that I could relate to the dysfunction, and everything that comes along with it, of Lorelai’s family. I don’t know if this would help you, but when my abuelo passed away, my Mom spent time making a scrapbook of all the good things from his life. I think it helped her grieve and reminded her that their relationship hadn’t always been bad.

  12. Oh…sweet Ti…I am saddened by his passing…it’s just rough to lose a parent and it gave me my first sort of jolt about real life…you most likely will feel that, too. You are wise to take time and sort through your feelings…when my dad died I could not stop reading fantasy…so I blame him…inadvertently…for my love of that genre…take care..you will be in my thoughts.

    1. Thank you. I keep thinking of what you’ve said about feeling like an orphan. I kind of feel like that now even though my mother is still living. It’s a very complicated situation and this did not help matters.

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  13. Death can bring up so many issues you think you’ve gotten past. I think when you weren’t close to a parent, you often end up grieving what you didn’t have, in addition to the normal grief. I’m sorry you’re hurting right now. I hope you feel the love and hugs from all your friends, even if many of us aren’t local. xo

    1. Trish, you hit it right on the head. I seem to be mourning a relationship that was never meant to be and it’s SAD. I am at work today so I have plenty of distraction to keep me busy. Thank you for thinking of us.

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  14. Ti, I’m so sorry for you and your family’s loss. I can’t even imagine how difficult things must be for you right now. I’m sending positive vibes and hugs your way. Take care of your self and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. XOXO

    1. Thanks, Nadia. I am submerged in the last Murakami novel I had that was unread, South of the Border, West of the Sun and it’s so perfectly fitting my mood right now. All that melancholy and angst.

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  15. This sounds like a particularly difficult time. I’m so sorry for your loss, Ti. Take care of yourself as best as you are able to do right now and focus on the good memories you have. You’ll get through this. In the meantime, you are in my thoughts.

  16. I’m sorry about your dad, Ti. I think family deaths can be particularly challenging for those of us with unconventional families, because we may not respond to them in expected or “typical” ways. Thinking of you…and echoing Sandy’s advice about hugging the dog.

  17. Ah, Ti, I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing a memory with us. Losing a parent is a tough thing, regardless of relationships. Please know that I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Take care of you and be kind to yourself. One step at a time. One day at a time. And like someone said, hug the dog. Or your kids. 🙂

  18. Words fail me at times like these because I know that I can’t understand the bereavement of losing a parent. I completely understand the necessity to read and just keep moving forward in times of deep sorrow though. My sympathies in this difficult time.

  19. I am so sorry for your loss, Ti! As what many have said, it’s hard losing a parent regardless of relationships. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

  20. Oh, Ti, I am so so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you have that beautiful memory of him, a connection you can focus on right now. That sense of disconnection while at the same time being at the centre of things, I think it’s a protective thing, a normal part of the grief process. When I lost my sister, I was numb for weeks. I plunged into my work because with work and the numbness, I didn’t have to think, and there was such relief in not having to think. I am sending you lots of good thoughts and a big cyberhug.

  21. I’m sorry to hear of your loss. It IS a loss, however complicated it is by everything surrounding it, all of which probably makes it even harder to deal with. Thinking of you!

  22. I am so sorry, Ti! Having just returned from dealing with this with my father-in-law, with whom I did not have the most positive of relationships, I understand how conflicted you are. My thoughts are with you as you work through the difficult decisions you need to make. If you ever need anything, PLEASE reach out and contact me. I am here for you.

  23. Tina I understand. I lost my father a few years ago and we had been distant for some years, mostly because I didn’t like his partner after my mother died (she died before him so we were able to capture some of the old closeness in the last few years). And like you my loveliest memories are him taking me to the library, and checking books out of the adult library for me, when I was too young to be allowed to. Relationships are complex; don’t let anyone tell you what you should think or do. You’ll work it out. Thinking of you and your family across the miles.

    1. Well, I thought I would be taking some piece of it all but they don’t even want my help. That’s tough, too. Thank you for your kind words. Back at work today and will be watching the clock the entire time, I’m sure.

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  24. I am so sorry for your loss, Ti. I do know know your situation and cannot pretend to know what you are going through. I had a complicated relationship with my dad, who I wasn’t especially close to, and so I can appreciated how even more complicated the grieving process can be as a result. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. I hope things work out with your mom and sister in terms of you finding the strength you need and the answers you seek.

  25. So sorry Ti. That’s tough. Ugh. I’m glad you can focus on the good times with your Dad. Families aren’t easy. Yeah you need some time to think about what’s best to do. My Hub just lost his dad in Dec. and we had a memorial service in January. We flew a long ways. Tying up all the ends is a process, and relatives often make it harder not easier. It’s a maze to get through. Just breathe & think on it for awhile.

    1. There was no service to speak of, which makes it a little more difficult to put behind me but I am back at work today. You can only sleep so much. I can’t believe I said that.

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    1. Why does family stuff have to be complicated? I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but man, I feel challenged.

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  26. Ti, I was sure I posted my sympathies, but cannot find my comment. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you at this difficult time. I’ve lost both parents and both siblings and moving on is hard, but time will help. HUGS

  27. (((hug))) My dad passed away 2 years ago and, although it was very thought at first, it’s the unexpected moments, when I sort of “remember” he’s not alive anymore, that still get to me. All the best for your and family!

    1. Yep. I’ve already had a few of those unexpected reminders that he is no longer around and it’s jarring.

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  28. Ti, I’m so sorry to read this news about your dad. When M died my father said he hated to hear people say ‘sorry for your loss but at least she’s no longer suffering’.. forgetting that he was still suffering.

    Death is tough, sad, and at times unfair. Hugs to you and your family.

  29. My deepest condolences, Ti. I lost my mother ten years ago, and I can still remember everything from that time so vividly. Whenever I experience a death of someone close to me, this is my favorite quote that I read over and over again: “I have only slipped away into the next room, I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Play, smile, think of me. All is well.” ~Henry Scott Holland

    Memories are what make them ours forever. And I know I sound extremely New Age-y and it’s probably “too soon” to say this next part, but write down everything that happens when your loved one passes. Is there a familiar scent that reminds you of your father that somehow just appeared in the room? Did you have a dream that seemed so real it felt like he was trying to communicate with you? I believe in all of that stuff, and I (inappropriately so) tell you all of this now because there was so much I was open to right after my mother passed. I noticed everything and felt like she was there. It was some comfort, oddly enough.

    Let me know if there’s anything you need, my friend. You’ve been there for me throughout my horrid experience last year, that I would be remiss to not offer you my shoulder or my ear. Whatever I can do.

  30. Huge, huge hugs to you. I lost my dad a few years ago, and despite the differences in how we lost our fathers, I do not wish the loss of a parent on anyone. It is so very difficult, and the aftermath can be very deep waters to wade through. Know that I will be keeping you in my thoughts, and I am sending lots of love and strength your way.

  31. I am so sorry, Ti. I lost my dad six years ago and we had a bit of a dysfunctional relationship, too. It was just starting to improve when we lost him. I have no idea what kind of dysfunction your family has going on (all families are unhappy in different ways, as the quote goes), but I understand how weird it feels to lose someone you grew up always knowing. You will be in my thoughts. I’m sorry I just saw this or I would’ve checked on you earlier. ((Hugs)).

    1. Thank you. I appreciate what you’ve said here. It’s one of those situations that’s really out of my hands. I can’t help people who do not want help and mental illness is a beast. I’ll leave it at that. I just catch myself thinking he’s still around, even though I know that’s not the case.

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